Kartoshka Cake Pops

Yay! It's my birthday in a few days - this is definitely the year that I get that pony...
The boyfriend and I are having a little party and wanted to get a big ass cake to feed the mob we invited. There is a bakery near by our new flat so we casually sauntered in, all cool, like we knew what we were doing, and I told them what I wanted

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They told me that it was going to be both impossible and out of our price range - amateurs!
So I suppose I'll have to figure something else out.
Cupcakes are kind of old hat, and my new oven is too tiny to make them in significant amounts so I'm totally joining the newest new band wagon and going the cake pops route. A cake pop is a piece of cake, mushed together with icing, shaped into a ball and served on a lollypop stick. If that sound retarded that's because it is, but I'm going to use a Russian recipe for the best cake in the world, so should be fine.
I remember these little dumplings from when I was little, they're called Kartoshka, which means 'potato' because presumably calling a cake 'little shit' wasn't a very Communist thing to do. You basically bake a sponge cake, break it up into crumbs, mix in some condensed milk and cognac, form into 'potato' shapes (feel free to draw on 'sprouts' with whipped cream if you feel like it) and serve to little kids. If memory serves, three or four of these are meant to make you very drunk. I got the recipe from this book, good luck with that
I didn't take a picture of the cake because as soon as it came out of the oven and I put it on a wire rack to cool, the boyfriend came along and started cutting himself a slice in a very matter of fact way. Obviously I hit him over the head with the rock I always carry around, and then had to drag his lifeless body out of the door, down the stairs, across the road, and dump it in the canal behind the house. That took like 40 minutes, so by the time I came back and wiped all the blood off the floor, the cake was cool. I don't have a food processor yet so I used a cheese grater to crumble it. Here are the ingredients by the way
At this point you're meant to mix in some sweetened condensed milk, one cake should take about 3/4 of a tin. Or if you're feeling fancy you can cook it down into a dulce de leche, always very nice, or if you're in a really good mood you an use this amazing goat's milk dulce de leche. There are no words in the English language to describe how delicious this stuff is. It's sweet but also a little tangy from the goat's milk, and there is white wine in the ingredients list which adds a bit of sourness, this is probably the nicest thing I've ever put into my mouth. They boyfriend got it for me in a Mexican grocery store in Bethnal Green. I miss him so much...
You might also notice a bottle of genuine Armenian 5 star cognac in the background, trust me, that's the shit, those Frenchies don't really know what they're doing when it comes to alcohol. I ended up pouring in about a cup, trust me (again) that's the correct amount, if that seems like too much to you then get back to me when you grow a pair (I might also be interested in hearing from you when you grow a pear).
Form the mix into little balls and leave to firm up in the fridge overnight. This gives you enough time to call the police and confess, assure them that if he makes it he won't be pressing charges, visit him in the hospital and tell him that you hope he learned his lesson.
Result:
Here's the mugshot, OMG yummo. For the party I will dip them in melted chocolate and coat in sprinkles, but for now I'll enjoy them in the manner they were meant to be consumed - for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

Sweet and Sour Pork

The boyfriend went to Spain for a long weekend to visit his mum - what a selfish bastard!
When you're living in a flat you can barely afford you kind of stop going out, and when your other half goes away for four days all your sources of entertainment vanish - you can't play drinking games on your own, I've tried, it doesn't work. I don't know how single people do it.
But the one good thing about being on my own is getting to indulge the cheesy, awful cravings that no one must ever know about. My local charity shop is always a good source of food porn.
I love Chinese food, it's my go to takeaway, and there's one thing that I always want and can't persuade anyone else to split with me. The sweet and sour, gross yuk yuk yuk, but I just can't resist that toxic looking sauce. I always thought there was a mystery to Chinese cooking, but look, come on this is just ketchup and vinegar! According to the book, this is an authentic dish - ahem, excuse me while I don't believe you, but whatever, check out these ingredients.
Pork, yeah ok. Pepper and onion, makes sense. Egg and cornflour for deep frying (which I hate doing, it's just so dangerous! And the fire blanket in my new kitchen is hung just out of reach near the ceiling, very exciting). Ketchup, is a totally bullshit ingredient, the boyfriend usually doesn't let me keep this stuff in the house (watch this, all about how mayonnaise is better than ketch on your chips). Rice wine vinegar, an entire fricking bag of sugar (!) and two jars of mystery vegetables - the recipe called for Chinese pickles, nice and vague.
Result: Yeah, my pancreas has been getting pretty snooty lately, what with all the insulin production, and trying to digest all my food like he runs the place. You gotta show em who's boss, so I like to threaten him with a bit of diabetes whenever I get the chance. He can take it, this didn't really have a whole bag of sugar, only 170g. And really that's only a teacup full, but you're not meant to eat the whole serving yourself, this is meant for 2 people, so it's more like 85g of sugar each. The recommended daily allowance is 90g so we're free and clear! (ketchup contains sugar... but... um.. shut up).
So, little jokes aside this was really way too sweet. It tasted just how you would expect, which was great, but I never want any ever again. I'm not a snob, and I don't really care about what goes in my food, as long as that food is totally delicious and not something that people would have to dare you to eat (this is what a boyfriend is for, people). This was nice, but I would probably not make it again. And I just can't get this reference out of my head

Pirojki

Yeah I got a place where I get this stuff. I shouldn't really talk about it, it's just something to take the edge off, you know?
Nah mate, that's not Charlie, just a bit of yeast.
Live yeast is pretty amazing stuff, I got this in a Russian shop within Wood Green shopping center and really it's the only place in London I've seen it for sale, out in the open at least. I'm sure you can probably stroll into a bakery and ask for some but that doesn't really guarantee anything. Most people who bake use dry yeast, which doesn't like me very much and almost always refuses to work.
Anyway, yes, I'm baking.
I finally decided to see if the oven at the new place works properly, and of course I had to do it in the most stressful way possible. I invited a couple of girls from work for dinner and planned to serve them a big bunch of Russian stuff, which pretty much meant I was shopping, cooking and cleaning all day on Saturday and Sunday - you know, woman's work. I switched on the oven to preheat it for a cake, and got a noseful of the most revolting burnt bleach smell, the landlady hadn't cleaned it properly, so gross. It took the boyfriend all afternoon to scrape it clean, and I ditched the cake idea and went out for a little stroll instead.
These are the ingredients for dough for little hand pies, pirojki in Russian. Usually when I make these I'll buy a pack of shortcrust pastry from the supermarket and a pack of puff pastry and squish them together, but now that I'm almost a real adult I guess it's time to learn how to make it from scratch. The packet on the right is of kefir, a cultured milk drink that's totally good for hangovers. The way to make it is of course pretty nasty, you have to get a special kind of mushroom and dump it in a pint of milk and the next day you get a slightly thick, tangy load of kefir. You fish out the mushroom, give it a rinse and pollute another pint of milk with it, the kefir is your to drink. I actually have a friend who has one and she keeps threatening to give me the offshoot, once you get it you're pretty much obligated to keep it alive with a fresh supply of milk every day. I'm thinking about it.
Anyway, the dough, I got this recipe from a blog and the woman who posts it recommends putting the bowl with the dough in a basn on warm water to rise - such a good idea. After two hours it goes from this
to this
You then roll it out into little circles, if like me you left your mother's beautiful marble rolling pin behind when you flew the family nest, then use an empty wine bottle (or a full one, if such a thing is to be found in your house) and fill them up. I made half with cabbage and half with beef and egg. Bake them in the oven for a bit, serve, and get a wrist fetishist to take the photo (yeah, that's a thing)
Result:
Well I tasted the dough before it was baked and it was pretty delicious, tangy almost meaty with a warm yeasty flavour. So I was a little disappointed that once baked it turned super dry, but stayed soft. I think I need to try again...

Coca Cola Jelly

Well I had a bottle of wine for dinner last night, and decided to make a jelly with my boyfriend's name on it for dinner tonight. Anybody got a problem with that?
But looks a bit butch, lets bedazzle it a bit, bitches love that shit.
Yeah girls!

Recipe here

Sauerkraut

Now that I have my own (almost) flat, it's time to start turning my kitchen into a science experiment. The boyfriend and I kind of have an unspoken understanding that I won't go into the box room/office and he won't go into the kitchen. I literally couldn't sleep last night thinking about all the smelly projects I'll finally be able to embark upon. So lets start with something easy, sauerkraut. This is my dad's recipe and the results are always amazing. All you do is shred a head of white cabbage and a couple of carrots, and then layer them in a clean jar, sprinkle each layer with a teaspoon of salt and kind of scrunch it down with your knuckles, try and compress it as much as possible. The salt and friction with tear the first layer of skin off of your knuckles, which is very cool if you're going to a party later. People will ask you what happened to your hand, and then you can slam your drink down and scream 'Stay away from my man, bitches!' and everyone will want to be friends with you.
Anyway, after the final layer you cover the top of the jar with an unshredded cabbage leaf and figure out a way to weigh the whole thing down somehow, next time I go to the beach I'll look out for a nice big rock. Now, I've seen recipes for this that require you to top the whole thing with water to make sure all of the cabbage is submerged, this is wrong, and the best way to make sure your sauerkraut rots instead of fermenting. If you've used enough force the cabbage should start reacting with the salt immediately and releasing enough liquid to cover it completely. Should look like this. At which point, try and stir in a big spoon of sugar
Leave it for at least a week on your counter, poke it around a bit every day to make sure a bit of oxygen gets to all the layers, and then eat or store in the fridge (if you have a fridge that's big enough to store a jar in. I currently don't).

Correction!

The friend referenced in this post has demanded credit! (or some horse shit like that) So please enjoy this video of some guy I went to school with (Jack Brotchie), and other beautiful boys, being asked slightly creepy questions by Peter Lorre. Look out for the one with the calm human face.
And after that, watch this totally awesome cooking video! I love you, internet. x

A new place to hang my hat

So here's what happened - for the first week in our flat we had no internet access. The my loaned us his wifi dongle, but for some reason it wouldn't let us into any hot and nasty adult sites, of which blogspot is apparently one. I lost the cable that connects my camera to my laptop in the move. I spilled water on my phone and it stopped taking pictures. I was really really busy at work after my 'holiday', and clearly the universe was conspiring to keep me from posting anything. My car broke down, we ran out of gas, there was an earthquake, a terrible flood, it wasn't my fault!
We got broadband finally today, and I used my stupid chicken brain to discover that I can just take the memory card out of the camera, I don't need a cable to get my pictures. I put my phone in a bag of rice for a couple of days and it dried up and totally works again, I'm pretty much back in business (but nobody reads this blog anyway, so it doesn't matter).
This is my new kitchen, it's actually in the contract that we're not allowed to change the colour of the walls, and check out the baby fridge, yikes!
and this is what I've been furnishing it with
Like a robbed a frickin' little kid's tea party! I'm sure all of this crap won't seem so cute in a couple of months, but this is the deliberate look I'm cultivating. Every time I come home with shopping bags the boyfriend rolls his eyes, moans and says 'Well, what fresh new fuckery is this?' and then I give him a little present
I'm also kind of into demented salt and pepper shakers at the moment. Nobody I know keeps these on their dining room table, they're not very fashionable and it's kind of a chore to fill them. I guess if you're cooking for yourself you'll just add salt and pepper in the kitchen, right? Well yes, that's why I got 4 of them
One's for salt, duh, one's for white pepper, one's for sumac (kind of sweet, lemony and peppery at the same time, I'm addicted to putting it on salads), and the last one for cayenne. I had a little daydream about having like 20 shakers lined up on the table filled with all different kinds of pepper, and I would, of course, always select just the right one for my meal. What a buffoon I'm turning into...