Gingerbread House

Gale force winds accross the UK are causing devastation accross communities.

Christmas 2011

Happy New Year!
Christmas was stressful this year. In the last week before the break I got some kind of super flu so on the morning of the 25th I woke up with a fever and hallucinated my way through 8 hours of cooking. This (I assume everyone knows Bidstrup)
The run up to the big day almost killed me, going to work, running around buying presents and getting up at 5am to go to Billingsgate Fish Market was tough, but I don't have kids or any real responsibilities so this was all self inflicted.
Since we had to have seafood because of my family's dietary restrictions, I chose lobsters. It was kind of big deal as it's the boyfriend's and mine first year in our new house and it all of our immediate family would be joining us, so what's fancier than that? I got up early like a good girl on Christmas Eve and made the grueling journey to Canary Wharf to pick up 4, which were are very economical £10 each and ended up feeding all 7 of us.
I'd never actually had lobster before, let alone killed one! Far from the docile, obliging creatures I assumed them to be they were actually pretty feisty. I thought the fish guy would have a box or something for me to transport them in, but instead he put all four in a single plastic bag and told me they would be fine. It was a bit too much fun for me at 7am to return home on the tube with a smelly, writhing bag in my hands, but more on that later.
Because I hate myself (or because everyone else had to fast before going to church on Christmas morning), I decided to make some canapes for people to munch on while I made dinner.
Left to right these are:
-Octopus on butter bean puree, the recipe was from the Marie Claire Food and Drink book, easily my favorite party book
-Salmon roe on Borodinky bread, this is a very Russian thing. The recipe for the bread is here, I can't stop making it, I'll write it up in the next few weeks
-Smoked eel on this wholemeal sourdough, with some horseradish my dad made
-Little choux buns with prawns (Marie Claire)
-Artichoke pate (Marie Claire again)

It's a little difficult to recall exactly what was going though my mind when it was time to dispatch the lobsters but here is my version of events.
I used a recipe from Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking for steaming the lobsters, she suggests slicing them open before cooking as humane, or alternatively freezing for an hour. I did neither and opted to just put them in the pots as quickly as possible, close the lid and ask God for forgiveness. This was predictably disastrous. Instead of gamely tucking in his legs and making an effort to fit into the simmering liquid the first one I picked up actually struggled for his life. I was holding him with one hand and the heavy iron lid with the other, the battle was not evenly matched. 'SKREEEEEE!!!!' went the lobster as I finally managed to stuff him into his watery grave and collapsed on the floor. My brother had to do the other 3. Next year, Tofurky. That's a joke, it's difficult to argue with how delicious they were.
I also made Brussels Sprout with Chesnuts (a Nigella recipe, way too sweet), sauerkraut, carrot salad and road potatoes (Jamie Oliver's method, very good). An lots of mulled wine. Did you know that the alcohol in mulled wine doesn't burn off? I sure as shit didn't!
Oh and we had pudding, the boyfriend's mum photographed.

Christmas Sandwiches - Sainsbury's

Sainsbury's is the cheapest Christmas sandwich I encountered so far, and also they provide just a turkey and stuffing option - but I don't think I'm up to trying all the variants. Here's what it tastes like:

-Instead of a layer of mayo and slices of stuffing the two are mashed into some kind of herby special sauce
-The turkey slices are generous, tasty and not dry, but with the tell tale moist round edge of a shaped turkey loaf
-Token green is lettuce - unlike all the other contenders which have some kind fancy leaf- wilty, redundant
-Don't like the combo of the sweet cranberry and herby special sauce. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it leaves an unpleasant bitter chemical taste at the back of my tongue
-There's bacon, a nice amount

Overall it's not horribly awful, I think I prefer it to Cafe Nero, but I wouldn't have it again

5/10

Christmas sandwiches - Pret a Manger

This is the series where I try all the bg chains' Christmas sandwiches and decide which one is best (this year). Some of the places have more than one festive offering, but I'm only trying the turkey with all the trimmings, to give enveryone a fair chance. In the inteserst of full disclosure, I like Pret a lot. Before our office move half way across London there was a Pret next door and sometimes I would go in there two or three times a day. But now that this is no longer the case, the spell has been broken and I'm on the prowl for coffee once again.
Anyway, here's the breakdon of the Pret A Manger Christmas Sandwich:
-Every sandwich sold ensures a 25p donation to a homeless charity which is a very nice deed, you could also buy one of the sadwiches and give it to a homeless person, then they would have the sandwich and the money
-There is a lot of cranberry in this sandwich, it's very sweet
-There are thick generous slices of stuffing, which taste dusty because of the dried herbs
-A lot of mayo, which together with the cranberry obliterate the turkey (not a bad thing). Mayo is the best thing about a leftovers sandwiches anyway.
-Nice soft granary bread
-There was unexpected crunchiness right in the middle, I dug around to find little shards of fried onion which was a pleasant surprise.
-Masses of spinach, it's green and fresh, but flavourless

Overall 7/10

Christmas sandwiches - Starbucks

Going to Starbucks for food is like asking your boyfriend to give you a haircut. Yes, it will be a hair cut in the most literal sense of the term, but at the same time quite a lot removed from what you had in mind, and not very nice.
I used to love Starbucks Frappuccinos, I remember I was about 13 or 14 and my friend took me and we shared one as an extravagant treat. But as you get older your palate changes and you don't want all your food and drinks to be Willy Wonka level sweet. It's very sweet, and heavy (they do finally sell salads, or Bistro Boxes, but haven't tried one yet).
The only indication that these sandwiches are the Christmas selection is the word Feast in the title, I got two because I was extra hungry today and because they seem to have the exact same ingredients. Also, I got both of these toasted, so the packaging was removed and the photos make it look like I fished them out of a bin.
Turkey Feast Panini
-The overwhelming sensation here is not a flavor but a texture, mushy. Dry heating it makes the filling steam the bread from the inside and since the slice of turkey included is so flavorless there isn't much to experience.
-There's bacon in it, but I can't taste it.
-After a few chews the slight scent of sage from the slice of stuffing begins to come through. There is also mayonnaise, some kind of green leaf and a little bit of cranberry sauce, the combination of which must have made the sandwich so wet, but not much flavor therein.
-The distribution of ingredients is not very good, but since they don't taste of anything that's not a bad thing.

Turkey Feast Sandwich
-OK, this is interesting, the sandwich has exactly the same filling as the panini but the combination is a lot more successful. Maybe it's the victory of the granary bread over the white panini bun. The mushiness of the inside of this sandwich is actually quite pleasant
-The strongest flavor in this sandwich is the cranberry, it's not too sweet and quite tart.
-The spinach is wilty and not nice, a little bitter and stringy
-There is a lot of bacon in this sandwich, but I couldn't taste any of it. I found this so intriguing that I lifted out a piece to try on it's own, and it was tasteless. Normally bacon is plesant, crisp and salty, this was pale, soft and had no discernible salt on it, so wierd.

Overall, 5/10. The only reason it wasn't lower is because you have the option to toast or not to toast

Christmas Pudding

It was Stir Up Sunday a week ago, the day when it's traditional to make your Christmas pudding and cake. I've enjoyed doing this for a couple of years now, but don't really have a definite recipe. It's usually full of whatever I have on hand - I think the year before last I spent some kind of crazy amount of money on single use ingredients and then had random dried up fruit hanging around my cupboards until I could justify throwing them away (in the move). Last year I made my own candied peel. This year I dried some grapes from out grapevine into raisins and soaked them in vodka for two weeks.
I'm sure it will end up being fine, really, don't trust cookbooks when they tell you that you absolutely must put 4 teaspoons of barley water in your pudding or else! After eating (and drinking) the biggest meal of the year, nobody will be able to tell what's in the sliver of brown stuff they force down, Mr Creosote style, before they fall into a coma. Ratios work much better. Here's what I did.
1 part flour
1 part nuts, chopped (hazlenuts and pecans for me)
1 part egg (weigh the egg and use your best judgement)
2 parts suet
2 parts breadcrumbs (all I had was Panko)
2 parts dried or dehydrated fruit (figs!!)
2 parts brown sugar
4 parts raisins/currants/sultanas soaked in
4 parts alcohol for 2 weeks (I used sherry and um... vodka)
And now for every 100g of flour you used put in one of each of these:
Small grated apple
Zest of an orange
Shot of booze
Teaspoon each of your favorite Christmas spices grated (nutmeg, cinnamon, allspice, ginger and cardamom)
If the mixture is too solid add more booze, if the mix is too liquid add a couple of spoons of flour.
Mix it all up in a big bucket, pour into a pudding dish, cover with a layer each of greaseproof paer and foil (or a pudding cloth, obv), and then steam.
Delia Smith recommends steaming a 1-2 pint pudding for 8 hours (I usually do it for 6).

Who do I think I am with my laissez faire attitude to recipes? Lets face reality, this is something that cooks for hours and then ferments for at least a month, if you put nice things in, it will taste alright. You only eat it once a year, you won't remember what it tastes like by January (but it will taste good)
Oh, and I would really appreciate it if you would meet me half way with the following photo.

Christmas sandwiches - Cafe Nero

Another reminder, in case anyone has forgotten, I love Christmas. Not so much the Jesus part of it, but the chintzy kitsch is right up my street.
Here's a thing I've been doing for a few years now, and now that I'm taking this blog further away from cooking from cookbooks and more towards random things that pop in my head, I think it's appropriate to write about it. I go and get Christmas sandwiches from all the different sandwich places and rate them. Rate them in my head, there's no point to this, it's stupid.
My favorite all time seasonal sandwich would have to be Eat's venison baguette, but I haven't seen it for a few years, last year's winner was M&S for some reason that I now don't remember. But today I'm starting with Cafe Nero.
I'm not a big fan of food at Cafe Nero, maybe my opinion is coloured by a fierce loyalty to Pret a Manger, or maybe it's because I've never had a local branch, but our new office is very close to one so it's the first thing on my map.

Cafe Nero Turkey, Cranberry and Stuffing (horrible photo, I had already started to eat it before I took it)
-It's very dry, there doesn't seem to be a good ratio of meat to sauce.
-The stuffing is in little cubes as opposed to slices, not a bad thing, but a little curious
-There is a very small amount of cranberry sauce, not nearly enough, especially since the sauce is plesantly tart and not too sweet, with whole cranberries in it
-There is a nice piece of radiccio in the sandwich, much better than the ubiquitous handful of rocket.
-The bread seems to be from some kind of seeded loaf, which I like.

Final score: 6/10 It would be a good sandwich if it wasn't so overwhelmingly dry

Which food magazine has the best Christmas issue 2011

I have an absolute Christmas fetish. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up with it (in Russia New Year is the big meal holiday), I can have an 'ideal' set up in my mind that is purely practical and visual rather than emotional. Instead of some traditional great great granny's Spam stuffing I can focus on food that is, at least to me, the epitome of this Christmas I've heard so much about. Basically I want the Hollywood version of the holiday, and this year I'm doing as much research as I can. So, which food magazine has the best December issue this year?
Here is the round up, I bought every big magazine so you don't have to. I know a lot of people have a favorite mag they get every month (full disclosure, I like Delicious), and won't buy another publication ever, so for all you loyalists and undecideds, here is my guide to this years offerings.

Delicious Magazine - £3.60
+ 'Free Guide to Relaxed Entertaining'
178 pages of which 56 are adverts
Back page - there is a 4 page Tesco spread at the back, but the real back page has an interview with Angela Hartnett.
Famous chefs featured - Antonio Carluccio, Nigella Lawson, Heston Blumenthal

Recipe breakdown (not including the insert)
Meat - 25
Fish - 6
Vegetarian - 18
Vegan - 5
Dessert - 15
Vegan Dessert - 6

Things I liked:
-Delicious Magazine has a page towards the back of tips on how to use up leftover ingredients that they've urged you to buy, like a tin of wasabi powder or a bunch of marzipan.

Things I didn't like:
-One of the questions Angela Hartnett was asked was how she feels about getting older, this kind of got my back up because I doubt they would have asked a male chef about his age, and who cares anyway, this is a food magazine!
-The insert is a bit feeble, there are a couple of recipes and some stuff about cheese, all of which would have been included in the main magazine.

Cook Vegetarian - £3.50
+'Easy Veggie Christmas, 25 recipes'
106 pages, 30 of which are adverts
Back page - Showstopper risotto pie
Famous chefs featured - Heston Blumenthal, Gino D'Acampo, Jean Christophe Novelli, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, Simon Rimmer.

Recipe breakdown (not including the insert)
Vegetarian - 23
Vegan - 29
Dessert - 9
Vegan Dessert - 0

Things I liked:
-Hugh Fernley Whittingstall's recipe for a dessert pie made with chard
-Gino D'Acampo's recipe for pannatone, I've never seen a pannattone recipe anywhere before and always assumed it was meant to be beyond the skills of a home cook
-History of the nut loaf

Things I didn't like:
-Hugh Fernley Whittingstall's beetroot tart tartin, probably because I watched the episode of his current veg show where his assistant comes up with the recipe.
-There are no vegan desserts, I found this so wierd, every single other magazine had at least a couple of options. I know that most recipes can be adapted, but why do vegans have to do that themselves?
-The insert had some traditional Christmas recipes, but again I didn't see why these could not have been absorbed into the magazine itself. I'm sure there was a a good reason, but in my cynical mind it's either printing budgets or an attempt to make it look like you're getting a special free gift

Sainsbury's Magazine - £1.60
+ 35g Lindt 70% Chocolate
274 pages, of which 20.5 are adverts
Back page - Win a mini break to Cornwall
Famous chefs featured - Raymond Blanc, Nigel Slater, Jamie Oliver, Nigella Lawson, Yotam Ottolenghi, Rachel Allen

Recipe breakdown
Meat - 19
Fish - 13
Vegetarian - 14
Vegan - 8
Dessert - 24
Vegan Dessert - 2

Things I like:
-This is the cheapest of all the magazines and there are a lot of coupons in it, which makes it a complete bargain.
-There is an article about different kinds of gin. Love gin
-The food ideas and photography are very modern

Things I don't like:
-This is not just a food magazine, it's also a lifestyle magazine so it has some human interest stories and stuff like that - fair enough. What I don't need is a set of the most bizarre social tips I've ever heard. Like a tip on how to show empathy, and another about how to redirect a conversation that is boring you - if someone starts talking about how sad they are that their car was stolen take their mind off it by telling them how much you enjoy going for a drive! What?!?
-The front cover looks almost exactly like the Lakeland Christmas advert which is a bit odd, the advert features inside (as well as in most of the other mags) so they really should have been able to spot that.

Vegetarian Living - £3.50
+ 9 Bar. Dairy, Gluten, Wheat free carob coated nut bar (this was delicious)
98 pages of which 17 are adverts
Back page - an article about quinces, I think, and a cookie recipe.
Famous chefs featured - Gordon Ramsay

Recipe Breakdown
Vegetarian - 21
Vegan - 5
Dessert - 17
Vegan - 5

Things I liked:
-This is clearly the most vegan friendly Christmas magazine, I was beginning to wonder what vegans did for Christmas. Almost all of the vegetarian recipes have a note on the bottom about how to convert it to a vegan recipe.
-Some appraiser recipes look amazing (lentil balls)

Things I didn't like:
-Gordon Ramsay's recipes are labeled on the cover as 'posh', that is recipes for things like mince pies! I found this to be be quite off in a vegetarian publication. There seems to be almost an apologetic tone to this, almost as if it's saying 'sorry you have to have vegetarian food to eat, but look, even you're allowed to have a treat'.
-There's something very humorless about this magazine. I know animal cruelty is a big important issue but for a food magazine to be peppered with ads for pet adoption and against animal testing is a bit too blunt.

Great British Food - £3.99
+ 'Festive Feasts'
130 pages of which 26 are adverts
Back page - Interview with Rachel Allen (questions about food, not her age!)
Famous chefs featured - Gordon Ramsay, Heston Blumenthal

Recipe Breakdown
Meat - 15
Fish - 8
Vegetarian - 3
Vegan - 3
Dessert - 9
Vegan Dessert - 1

What I liked:
-Interview with Clarissa Dickson Wright, she's such a crank and an abrassive character but I think that's why I like her. She talks about how much she hates Heston Blumental and a few pages later there is a spread of his recipes, it's pretty brave for a magazine to feature both.
-There is also a article about Bompas and Parr, they're so wacky that I can't believe that a magazine would dare to feature someone with so little mass appeal in their most important issue of the year. Quite exciting.
-I love that they give a British alternative to the ubiquitous chorizo in their recipes.

What I didn't like:
-This is the most expensive magazine in my selection and has fewer pages that all but one of the others. Again, the insert just features recipes that could have been included in the body of the magazine, but the paper they use is so heavy and expensive feeling that I wouldn't be surprised if that was out of budget.
-The font of the articles is very thin and tiny (like a mix between Arial Narrow and Agency FB). I'm a young woman with good eyesight but I found it a bit hard to read.

Good Food - £3.60
+ 2012 calendar sponsored by Dr. Oetker and a cheesecake recipe card
210 pages of which 86.5 are adverts
Back page - 4 pages of Tesco adverts and Hairy Bikers Dundee cake recipe
Famous Chefs featured: Paul Hollywood, John Torrode, Rick Stein, James Martin, Bill Granger, Hairy Bikers, Lorraine Pascal, Raymond Blanc, Michel Roux Jr, Nigella Lawson.

Recipe Breakdown
Meat - 39
Fish - 21
Vegetarian - 32
Vegan - 10
Dessert - 30
Vegan Dessert - 3

Things I liked:
-Recipe for Hanukkah biscuits, the only acknowledgement in this whole marathon of magazines that there might be something other than Christmas happening this time of year.
-A lot of reader special offers, like 40% discounts on utensils, stuff like that.
-A lot of recipes of what to do with leftovers, way more than other magazines. One or two of the magazines I looked at had planned their next issue around what to do with leftovers, Good Food is a bit more generous.

Things I don't like:
-This magazine was available with two different covers, one with a picture of a turkey and one with a picture of a pudding. I really don't like this because it makes me feel like I'm missing out on something by not getting both. And what is the point? It's not like doing different Beatles covers, sheesh.
-Next to each recipe, instead of a symbol indicating whether it vegetarian or not, there's a symbol indicating whether it's freezable or not. So you have to read the whole recipe to see if bacon or goose fat is in your apparently vegetarian side dish.
-This is entirely my opinion, but I think the picture of Gregg Wallace and his wife is creepy and unnecessary. I have almost a repulsion for Gregg Wallace, I have to steady myself with a stiff drink before I can watch him shoveling in the food on Masterchef, and I found the extensive coverage of his courtship and marriage gratuitous, so don't really want to be reminded of it.
-The last point, I'm not sure if I like or dislike this, but there seems to be a great deal of emphasis on whether the food on offer is freezable or not. I have a tiny freezer so I don't really care about this, but I suppose others might want to make things weeks in advance and store them for the big day.

Olive - £3.60
+ 2012 Diary
170 pages of which 58 are adverts (including 4 pages of Tesco adverts)
Back page - Food quiz
Famous chefs featured - John Torrode

Recipe Breakdown
Meat - 24
Fish - 11
Vegetarian - 15
Vegan - 17
Dessert - 18
Vegan Dessert - 2

Things I liked:
-Quiz! Answers are going to be in the January edition.
-Vegetarian Mains were inspired by restaurant dishes which I think gives them a bit more credibility.
-I think this is probably the best all rounder. It tries to be everything to everybody there are Christmas, healthy, one-pot, seasonal, 30 minute, party, budget and show off recipes.

Things I didn't like:
-Again, no markers next to the recipes to indicate if they're vegetarian or not.
-It's very innocuous, there is nothing outstanding or offensive about it. I was going to compare it to an ice cream flavor, but that's boring, so lets say if this magazine was a skirt it would be knee length A line.
-The diary is a bit feeble

Good Housekeeping - £3.80
+ 89 Easy Christmas Recipes
This is not strictly a food magazine so I'm not going to do a page count. But just like the other magazines I've looked at I'm not going to include the insert in the recipe count.
Famous chefs featured: Gino D'Acampo, Angela Hartnett

Recipe Breakdown (not including the insert)
Meat - 10
Fish - 4
Vegetarian - 18
Vegan - 5
Dessert - 11
Vegan Dessert - 1

Things I like:
-All in one potatoes and Brussels sprouts recipe, this is roasted so that the sprouts don't become mushy and overcooked.
-Cranberry souffle, looks beautiful and I might try it this year.
-Overall the recipes are quite classic, we're not trying to set the world on fire here

Things I don't like:
-There are a few wildly unseasonal recipes like pea and spinach salad
-There is a calorie count next to every recipe, I don't like this but I see how others might see this as a necessity.
-There is a very odd emphasis on cheating. Good Housekeeping is a magazine for older ladies (I'm an old bag at heart so I actually quite like to have a read of it when I'm at the boyfriend's mum's), these are family women with busy lives so I see how shortcuts might be appealing, but I find it a bit sad, as if it's meant for women who hate cooking but are pressured into doing it at Christmas.

And that's that. I think if you have exactly the same personality as me you will find this guide useful. Let me know if I missed anything. Kisses!

Christmas!

I feel like I've been running around like a lunatic for the last couple of weeks, Christmas this year has been a real pain to try and organize. As usual we went to the boyfriend's mum's for Christmas Eve and had an amazing dinner I didn't help prepare at all. Capon and roast vegetables, lots of cheese and a load of booze. I've never seen a capon before, and assumed it was just a big chicken, but it's actually a castrated rooster, and is apparently illegal to breed them (well you wouldn't be able to anyway, would you, wink wink) in the UK, but it is legal to sell them, so most capons come here from France, where they're a big deal for Christmas. Delicious, tastes just like chicken.
We finished the meal with the pudding I made a month ago. The boyfriend is really funny about his pudding, he threw some kind of a diva strop when he found out that I hadn't put any currants in it - he's the only person I know who actually looks forward to the pudding at Christmas. I was in the kitchen with his mum and she quietly suggested that maybe here was too much food already and we could save the pudding for New Year's, well, anyway, somehow he heard her from the other room and put a stop to that little plan. It was worth it, I'm really being sold on the pudding agenda, it was delicious.
The next night, on actual Xmas, I went to my parents house, and we had a ton of smoked salmon each, and then ate the other pudding in the living room, whilst watching this film.
Perfect xxx

Christmas pudding, candied peel, tangerine chocolate sorbet

I'm a bit of a deadbeat at the moment, the boyfriend and I have been eating a lot of sandwiches and leftovers instead of cooking something lovely. It's the first Christmas in the new place and rather pathetically I haven't really made much of an effort since we're spending the bulk of the holidays at our parents' and hey, read the side bar, I'm not a fricking millionaire! I just about dragged home a loser Christmas tree home this weekend but then realised that I don't have a big ole box of decorations anymore so ended up draping a bunch of my cheap tacky jewelery over it. Some of it glows in the dark. Here's my favorite little area
Also got a Hello Kitty advent calendar, which I've since abandoned because there were no pictures in the windows and the chocolate was horrible - that alone pretty much almost ruined my whole Christmas right there!
Anyway, I'm trying to get into it, watching a lot of cooking shows etc. and made Christmas puddings again. Last year I didn't know what the heck I was doing and consulted three different books, this year it was even worse. I missed stir up Sunday by about two weeks, it's fairly redundant to say that I was hungover, and for some reason I'd decided to rescue a few tangerines on the turn and make my own candied peel.
Candied peel is pretty straight forward to do, just boil up citrus peels in a sugar syrup, but of course I messed this up because I balked at the amount of sugar you're meant to use and as a result my little shreds of peel didn't crystallize - rats!
Anyway, I made the puddings, soaking the dried fruits (cherries, cranberries, dates and mango - shut up, yes, mango. I didn't have any currants) in whiskey for a week because I didn't have any Madeira. Also I didn't have any nutmeg or cloves so I dumped a load of orange blossom water in there. I'm not happy about any of this by the way, I know I didn't prepare properly and the results are bound to be questionable, there are no excuses. Only one word to describe it - deadbeat.
I'll conclude this account of a day in the life of a lazy loser with a simple sorbet form David Lebovitz. It's just sugar syrup, tangerine juice and chocolate. I had the wonderfully tangy, zesty leftover syrup from the candied peels, and leftover over ripe tangerines - perfectly economical.
Result: Believe it or not, the sorbet was too cold to eat in the winter. I let my portion melt and dipped biscuits in it. The taste is really great, like grown up chocolate orange, but not sure if I will go to the effort of making it again

Roti de Cabillaud a la Sauge

Back at my place, I decided to try something out of Stephane Reynaud's Rotis for our own Christmas roast. I've been getting overexcited about this book ever since I was in Borders last week and put a copy under my coat and ran off with it down the street laughing manically the whole way... Of course not! I got if for half price, which practically felt like theft.
I love the way this book is laid out, there is one page entitled How Would You Like Your Roast Beef Cooked? the options are Rare, Medium, and Very Rare! What if I like it Medium/Well? Tough tits. Here are also suggestions for the most appropriate meat to roast each day - Monday is beef, Tuesday is veal, Wednesday is poultry, Thursday is pork, Friday is fish (lets not forget that France is a Catholic country! I love that scene in Heaven Know Mr. Allison where Robert Mitchum tells Deborah Kerr that Catholics in the Navy get called Mackerel Snappers on that account - ouch! Your mum.), Saturday is lamb, Sunday lunch is game and Sunday dinner is all the leftovers. I wonder how long I would have to be on this diet before I developed gout, but wouldn't be able to roll out of bed to go to the doctor because of how fat I'd gotten. Anyway, everything in moderation.
Here's a fun fact about sage, I've never really cooked with it but I know it's got a sort of medicinal smell and flavour, well apparently it's recently been illegalized in Russia because people have been making psychotropic drugs out of it! And here was I dropping acid when all along I had the thing right in my fridge! Well not quite, I had to go to 4 different supermarkets and a greengrocer to find my little bunch, not sure if there's a connection. It was the same story when I was trying to find a hit of, I mean purchase, chanterelle mushrooms, I could only score 100g and had to bulk it up with oysters and shitakes (that's street slang for 'all mushrooms taste the same anyway').
Would anyone eat swede if it was know universally as rutabaga? Once cooked they look almost like nice chips, but a closer look reveals their true fiborous nature. You lay the parboiled faux-chips and sauteed mushrooms in a baking tray, along with 12 leaves of the illicit herb and spring onions, and place lightly seared cod filles on top. I know it's pretty unethical to be eating cod, but to be honest we were all suffering from salmon ennui, and this is the only sizeable alternative the fishmonger could offer us. And also, cod tastes really really good. I bought an entire one, managed to just about fillet it myself and made stock out of the bones to make myself look really economical.
Result: Maybe you can just about see peeping out from the corner the swede and remains of mushrooms. Well the cod was gorgeous, it melted in the mouth but was still firm and juicy, the mushrooms were rubbery and bitter (undercooked, you idiot!), and the biggest complaint in regard to the swede was that I hadn't done anything to disguise it's natural flavour and it positively reeked of swede. Well that's it, thank God there was pudding for pudding, otherwise it might safely be said that I had RUINED CHRISTMAS!

Christmas Pudding Update

Well, it was delicious. We steamed for about 2 hours and it came out very moist and moreish. The criticism I have of shopbought puddings is that they tend tobe too dry, too sweet and full of crap that I don't like. If you think you don't like pudding, try making your own, it's pretty easy and you don't have to think a year or 6 months in advance, mine only matured for a month.
This is the boyfriend's living room, by the way - I had two Christmases this year hahahahahaha

Gravadlax

I love smoked salmon, I could eat it for breakfast - have something else for lunch - and then have some more smoked salmon for dinner, maybe, as part of a bigger meal, you know what I mean! Anyway, I like it, yeah?
I don't have the money or the equipment to actually be able to live the lifestyle described above, but Gravadlax is probably a suitable alternative. I have a great-great-aunt, my oldest relative, but still under 100, who makes the besteset, most melt in the mouth version of it. Who the hell knows what her secret is, for all I know she buys it in, every time I've asked her she replies with a peal of giggles and mumbles something about some salt and sugar and a few days in the fridge. Then she sits back, watches you inhale her creation, has a shot or two of cognac and asks when I'm going to get married. Maybe this is some kind of special fetishistic singles bashing, she'll give me the recipe when I have a man to prepare it for. Bitch. (obviously not!)
There's another bookshop going out of business near my office, it was a real mess in there and all the good cookbooks were gone, but I found this generic looking Fish & Seafood for a few pounds and decided to give it a good home. It looks like a childrens book, there's a hole in the front cover! You can see scales through it, scales like a fish has! Well anyway, that's enough excitement for now, fun is fun but let's be serious for a minute.
I've had to use my imagination to a certain extent with this recipe, I only have half the amount of salmon, and what exactly is white pepper? I've seen it in old ladies houses at the back of the cupboard, reserved for throwing into burglars eyes. So I'm using black, black like my heart.
I halved all the other ingredients, wrapped it up nice and pretty, threw it in the fridge. And now we play the waiting game...
Result:It's three days later, I've felt like a prisoner, tied to the fridge (so you know, not too bad), I had to turn this baby around every 12 hours, so no going out galivanting and painting the town red. Nevermind, here's the big payoff!
The first bite was very salty and seriously peppery, but the fattier pieces near the skin are almost perfect. Yeah, too much salt, foiled again! I'll get you yet, Penguin!

Incidentally, this is what my brother made with some of the leftover pieces of salmon - probably won't make it onto the Christmas table.

Swedish Salmon

How do you solve a problem like buttloads of salmon?
My dad's wife doesn't eat too much meat so I've been looking for a nice fish to take centre stage on our Christmas table. Salmon is the biggest affordable fish, and we've got one this week, so I've been experimenting.
This Nigella Express was bought by a friend of mine to take with her to University. Emboldened by her father's spiel that he apparently learned to cook while he was living on his own for the first time in student digs, she assumed that she too would blossom and flourish when left to her own devices and return home an accomplished chef. This is the best example of why you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover that I can think of. Go to a library, flick through this thing and tell me what student you know has a fish kettle, and who in their right mind would spend their time and book/drinking money searching out baby pak choi in a remote Northern town. This book was worse than useless, it was actually a little insulting. Martini Olives anyone?
So anyway, she flung it my way in disgust. To be fair, there isn't anything too elaborate about any of these recipes, but Nigella isn't selling the recipes, she's selling a lifestyle. Inside the dustjacket is a panoramic shot of the contents of her larder, full of imported, essential preserves and condiments - The Boyfriend just looked over at me and asked what the hell I'm rolling my eyes at - uff. Ok, lets pretend I'm a millionaire.

I chopped the tail end of the salmon off to use in another recipe, but kept the tail which together with the top half of the body just fit in my biggest metal roasting tin (I refuse to buy a fish kettle on principle!). You cover it with water shove dill and a few condiments in the cavity, and surround the fish with spring onions. Bring to the boil, cover and simmer for a few minutes and then let it sit around and cool overnight. Wait, what? That's right, if you want to have it for lunch you should start making it the day before, if you plan on having it for dinner, well then, you better get your lazy ass up early in the morning! I didn't do either of those, and resolved, albeit with a heavy heart, to have it warm, in an hour or so.
I made the dressing, watched half an episode of Mad Men (oh I am so totally Joan, like you wouldn't believe), boiled a few potatoes and answered incessant questions along the lines of 'Where's my dinner? When can we eat? I can see it sitting there on the counter, it's not even doing anything! Why can't we eat it now? I'm hungry!' Not doing anything? It's infusing! *probably* I can't imagine Nigella has to deal with this kind of crap, in her house everybody's probably too busy getting buzzed up on Prosecco to notice what the food is doing.
Result: I lifted the salmon out of the liquid carefully, scraped all the flesh off and 'arranged' the pink mess on the nicest platter we had with a few drizzles of sauce on top. It was amazing, incredible, perfect and so easy! I was under absolutely no pressure and didn't even have to swear once (take that, Floating Islands!). It tasted of salmon with a slight scent of spring onion coming through, obviously. I had been worried about not having enough seasoning in the stock, but it was perfect. The dressing was hot and peppery from the mustard but cool at the same time - it really tied the room together... And the leftovers were even better the next day. I just have to wonder why in the world would Nigella give away family recipes like this!

Christmas pudding

I'm going to depart from my self imposed format for this one post, you see, the thing is, it's a matter of Christmas Pudding. The boyfriend has finally come out and told me that this is the only aspect of Christmas dinner he looks forward to, and saves room for. I've never heard of such a thing, I mean, ewww pudding, but this is the man I love so my present to him this year is to take him seriously.
No one recipe I found seemed to hit the right note with me. I've never made Christmas pudding before but I wanted to make it really special in case this was the first and only time, and this is going to be an amalgam of every recipe I currently have (and what I saw of Delia's Christmas Special the other night).

The contenders are, Good Housekeeping's Menus circa 1954, this was a birthday present, and despite the year, it's not as old fashioned as I though it might be, there's no MSG or anything like that. The oddest ingredient called for in most recipes in margarine, which I don't think is for sale in the UK anymore. Apparently margarine can be substituted for suet in a Christmas pudding - no thanks. Another ingredient deemed necessary is gravy browning, lets just say Good Housekeeping's pudding looks like a turd (I'll post a picture comparing it with mine)

Winter Puddings from the Cordon Bleu Cookery School was published in 1977 and is part of a whole set of mini books. I also have their Soups and Starters and am totally desperate for Memorable Meals and Cooking from Abroad. I always assumed Cordon Bleu to be concerned with predominantly French food, but by definition winter puddings are British fare, so Spotted Dicks and Apple Hats all round. Their recipe looks a little bland and is conspicuous by the absence of hard booze, the first suggested liquid is milk. Thanks grandma.

And I think we all know what to expect from Nigella Christmas. There's more sugar than flour here, plus honey, plus VODKA! And also bizarrely, no nuts. She also recommends making a 3 pint pudding, not to eat, but to look at. But out of all the books she is the only one who suggests leaving the mixture to infuse overnight (Delia too, of course), and also to soak the dried fruit in alcohol. I wonder if anyone has ever eaten a Christmas pudding sober.

So, the ingredients I used (and didn't take a picture of, you're just going to have to take my word for it) were

-a 500g bag of mixed dried fruits which I think was made up of raisins, currants and sultanas, although what is the big difference between the three?

-mixed peel, from a tub, not freshly made - sorry Delia

-200ml of Captain Morgan rum to soak them in. I managed about 30 minutes, but thanks for the 1 week suggestion Nigella, I'll consider that next time I want to make prison wine. (this is what the bottle looked like after the boyfriend and I finished... cooking)

-some pistachios and walnuts because the boyfriend likes nuts, despite almond being the only recommended nut (I don't want to hear any of that crap about almonds being fruit).

-stem ginger in syrup, for no reason at all other than getting carried away in the dried fruit department of the supermarket. Which is also the reason for...

-dried and maraschino cherries

-prunes, I'm getting quite a taste for them, and because Nigella said so

-dried Sweet William pears. OK, the jig is up, my boyfriend's name just happens to be William. Awww sweet! Don't all puke in your mouths at once.

-plain flour and white breadcrumbs - boring

-vegetarian suet left over from the Bacon Roly Poly, mmmmmmm

-a grated apple and a grated carrot. Good Housekeeping suggests either one, but I was intrigued by the carrot and wanted the two to fight it out inside the pud.

-3 eggs. 3 eggs to rule them all, 3 eggs to find them. 3 eggs to guide them all, and in the darkness bind them! (special nerd points if you know what the hell I'm talking about)

-light brown sugar, because I don't like muscavado and the whole thing was beginning to look pretty sweet to me already

-ground allspice, which I'm going to assume is the same as mixed spice

-ground cinnamon

-vanilla essense, thanks Good Housekeeping!

-ground nutmeg, along with several slices of my knuckle as I was grating it. Everybody always makes a big stink about the superiority of grinding it yourself as opposed to buying it all ready and prepared, so I guess they expect you to sprinkle your food with blood and curses! Incidentally, did you know that nutmeg is a psychotropic drug and that chomping down a couple of nuts can give you a pretty heavy high? Apparently several people a year have to be taken to the hospital to be treated for the effects of nutmeg overdose! I'm serious, this is not Captain Morgan talking!

-the rind and juice of one lemon, because I was getting all carried away with the excitement of the thing and wanted to put more and more ingredients in

-a pinch of salt

Also to go in were two silver coins which had been soaking in Coke and vinegar overnight to 'disinfect' them? Or something...

The bowl with the mixture stood in the corner and thought about what it had done over night, and in the morning I bounced to work and left the boyfriend with very particular steaming instructions, all 6 hours worth of them. I kept calling throughout the day to double check that he put a pleat in the foil cover before tying it down to let the steam expand it, and that he was checking that the water hadn't boiled away, and that he was washing the dishes, hoovering and doing my laundry as well. There must have been something wrong with his phone because it kept going dead every time right about after he said "Shut up and leave me alone" or "I'm not your maid". Strange.

It turned out that there was too much mixture for the bowl I had so we ended up making two large puds and two little ones which I'm going to give away as presents to people I want to potentially poison on Christmas day.
This is what the pretty little ones look like now that I've wrapped them all up nice and tidy

And this is what the big ugly one that my family will be enjoying looks like.

I'll post results on Christmas day after we steam it again and eat it, but at the moment it's maturing under my bed and giving off the most amazing orangey, rummy deep aroma. Just hope it doesn't go mouldy before the big day...

Christmas Bean and Turkey Pies

So my dad's wife is not a big meat eater, so like last year, this Christmas will be a pescetarian affair. For a glutton like me, this is kind of a big deal, so I'm going to try and get as much stodgy traditional yule time fare before the main event so I won't feel like I'm missing out.
What, what I ask you is more festive and Christmassy than baked beans? You know, when I get home from school, I ask mum 'What's for tea?' and she goes 'Heinz Baked Beans' 'cos they're the beans for me! I love beans, not enough to try making them myself or anything, but enough to buy this ridiculous recipe book.
I might have mentioned this before, but the boyfriend hates overly sweet food. The bird he was with before he met me blew her chances at life long happiness by serving him pasta baked with mango chutney and turkey pieces. He had two bites, made his excuses and disappeared into the night. In light of this, maybe it's a subconscious message from me that it's time for us to call it a day when I get the compelling urge to serve him turkey baked with sweet tomatoey beans and cranberry sauce. We've had a good run, but enough is enough. Lets see what happens!
Look at all this crap, are you drooling already at the prospect of putting all these condiments together?
I mix everything in a bowl and start having second thoughts. No wonder he left that girl, this is really gross! FYI my pulling dish was Thai Green Chicken Curry - which he loved - and that's how to keep your man, ladies.
Result: Christmas Bean and Turkey Pies, best served with your hand, straight into the bin.

OK, well not really, but very nearly. The taste is just so unpleasant that no amount of cider will fix it. I ended up draining my portion in Tabasco.
The pastry was fine, obviously, since I had no hand in making it. But somehow all the other ingredients conspire to blend to the point of canceling out any flavour at all. You can't taste the cranberry, which is a plus, but you don't get a taste of anything until you bite into a piece of turkey - which turns out to be revolting. You know how turkey tends to be really dry at the best of times? Well that should be the first hint to not overcook it. Having said that , I'm not sure if having fresh turkey inside would have improved it any. Maybe a combination of freshly roasted turkey, home made cranberry sauce, a dash of spices and no baked beans would have been better.
Experiment fail! There are just some things that you are not meant to eat baked beans with. I'll stick to having mine on lobster thermidor, thanks.